I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
