UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
