Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
