i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I cut my penus on the lid.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
