I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
