I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
