I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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