**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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