Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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