I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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