Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
