Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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