she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
