I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
