just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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