i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
