I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
