just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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