I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
