I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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