he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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