I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I deserve this hangover.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
