everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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