Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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