we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
