Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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