I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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