I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You need Xanax blowdarts
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
