I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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