Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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