Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
