i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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