So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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