Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize