Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
