R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
