so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
