Apparently you make a good broom.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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