can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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