Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
