did you get engaged???
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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