I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
