Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
