I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
did you just send me my own nude
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
