This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
