How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
