My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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