I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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