i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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