Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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