if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
