Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
