True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
