just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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