apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize