I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
