I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
