Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
