Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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